When everything is lonely I can be my own best friend...

3.41am and I'm finally writing my first blog. I've realised my first Year Abroad Journal entry is due in on the 1st November so I need to start assembling my thoughts about just how I'm going to analyse my time here so far.

I've decided I see little point in pretending that it's been easy - it's been anything but easy. What will I learn by trying to fool myself, and more importantly perhaps the tutors in Exeter may be able to help future students with preparation for their time abroad from my experiences.

Looking back, I believe if I had been here for the Erasmus week, or if I had at least known that the first couple of weeks were to tip up, see what lessons went well, what didn't etc I probably wouldn't be here, hating every minute, now. It's not entirely the French administration at fault, but perhaps some kind of... explanation prior to my arrival would've helped - then again, that's what the Erasmus week was for.

Culture shock hasn't been too much of a problem - only not being able to find rashers of bacon, or cheddar cheese is taking it's toll on me. The city is nice enough, and I love being able to nip about on the metro to get from a to b. I know where I can find home comforts like Gu brownies, and where the H+M is, and feel quite confident getting around, though some spots are to be avoided - as I learnt in my first week! I wandered down Rue de la Soif, where ALL the bars are, on a football afternoon and was promptly accosted by drunk and excitable football fans - the first posed with me while his friend said "SMILE!" while the 2nd wouldn't let me go - I had to physically lift his arm from around my shoulders. They were harmless, I'm sure, and I had a good giggle about it afterwards, but possibly not advisable for a young gal on her own!

The biggest obstacle is my confidence - or to be more exact, lack of it. Having missed the first few lessons of various modules I have still not plucked up the courage to go, petrified of drawing attention to myself/not knowing or understanding what's going on and simply nervous having left it so late. This is getting worse and worse the longer I leave it, and I really need to just email the tutors and explain - but this late on even excuses are going to look poor. Need to go back to my mantra of 'what's the worst that can happen?' Thankfully I'm only taking a minimal amount of lessons this semester meaning a) I can't do THAT badly and b) next term I'll be much busier with all the credits I'll need to take... Given the advantage of knowing what to do when I come back in January. I also have all the module descriptions for next semester already so I can start to peruse and pick some interesting ones...

I will say that I feel I'm learning to enjoy my own company, or at least learning to be able to cope with it. I've decided I want to be better read - I've had a few conversations recently where I have felt not quite uneducated, but that there are things I should know and understand and don't. I'm planning on teaching myself French history [too late to take a module now, but maybe something to think about for next term?] using the wonder of the internet and maybe buying a not too complex French book charting the major events.

There have been highs - day trip to St Malo, an evening out with a few English girls, seeing Caroline my lovely lovely French friend once a week or so... But I do feel slightly excluded by the English Erasmus people here - primarily, I believe, because they all bonded in the week I wasn't here and I was the 'late arrival.' I do intend to keep trying to infiltrate but I find it very demoralising when you persist and persist and still get nowhere.

As of tonight, I'm going to try and create a list of things I could take the chance to do while I'm here - some day-to-day, some visits perhaps... A weekend down in Bordeaux in the spring, a trip to see Gaby in Paris before Christmas... Pisa in the New Year I hope... Becoming quite the accomplished traveller, assuming all goes without a hitch this weekend.

This entry has been a bit lacking in Structure, and more about me than my time here in Rennes, but I'm hoping from here I can start to move forward. I'm at home next week - though whether this will offer any comfort or support, I'm not sure, but it will be nice to have the opportunity to catch up with the college crew, and my Bewdley babes... - then can come back, hopefully with a fresh head and a more positive attitude and ride this semester out til January. I may also investigate some kind of ... counselling, perhaps, or *shudders* self help to see what I can do to help boost my confidence. It may just be that one first step, but somehow... I feel I've made a few while I've been here and haven't had some kind of epiphany...

Finally, I'd like to show my gratitude to those who've been there for me when I've needed a shoulder to cry on: Tom, first and foremost. I know I drive you bonkers, but I'll get there in the end. I promise. Nicola, Casper, Hugh, Josh, Poshy... The list goes on. It may not seem like I appreciate it at the time, too bogged down in self pity but I really do. The little things mean so much.

For now, mes amis, onwards and upwards... Tequila Tess xxx