Journal Entry 1: 31st October 2008

I arrived in Rennes on the 13th September, so I have now been here for almost 2 months. Considering the length of time I have been here, thus far I have very little to report that's positive. I'm not sure how best to approach this journal, because I'd like to try to be objective, however, how the experience has affected me emotionally can't go unmentioned.

My year abroad placement was all rather last minute, and consequently I missed the "Erasmus week" here in Rennes, and as a result have struggled to meet and bond with other Erasmus students. The Erasmus students I have met, mostly from the UK but some from Germany, seem to have already formed a clique and I rarely am included . Whether this sounds like a juvenile attitude or not, I don't know

There have been many obstacles thus far, that I have struggled to overcome and move past owing to a crippling lack of confidence on my part. Of all the things that are needed to spend a successful year abroad, I believe that confidence and self belief are the most important -

The problem is with a lack of confidence that even if you can identify that that is what's holding you back, what's also lacking is the capability to resolve it, or at least there is no immediate solution. I have no reason to doubt my language ability, and yet I find myself nervous when a situation arises where I will need to speak one on one with a native, and almost script what I need to say ahead of time, hoping that they won't say anything I won't understand. For this reason, even the smallest of tasks becomes mammoth; I'm making a mountain out of a molehill some might say.

I appreciate that this has been more about how I'm coping given my own strengths and, more relevantly, my weaknesses, than how I am finding Rennes, and my improvement in all aspects of my French, however, I imagine that the first term was always going to cast a light on our own character and attitude. This evening, I am hopefully off to meet other Erasmus students which will hopefully result in me feeling more integrated; thus far my existence here has been rather lonely and isolated. I owe a lot to a French girl here who I coincidentally met in the UK over the summer while she was au pairing, and it's through her that I have experienced the French culture, and furthered my language skills, by having meals with her and her family, going to various story telling evenings including one she was performing in, and conversations with us both helping the other to further their second language. Although we were introduced as a matter of convenience, to give me a contact in Rennes for when I moved out here, we have a strong friendship, and I can't help but feel that if it wasn't for her I might have already given up and returned home.